Pittsburgh, Washington, St. Louis, Tampa Bay, Colorado – which team will be the last team standing in 2023? Which team will follow Colorado? Which team will remain to sit on the throne?
Which team will be next to… Succession?
It’s been a while since we’ve done one of those tracks where we awkwardly link hockey with some sort of Big Pop Culture Thing. But this one feels good with the ease of imagining an NHL front office like Waystar Royco. With the finale of HBO’s series “Succession: Airing Sunday and the Stanley Cup Final in sight, it’s also the perfect time to blend those two worlds. Hey, that’s better than another Taylor Swift edit. , No ?
So here’s the deal: with the help of the Twitter account @nocontextroyco – a “Succession” fan account that tweets out-of-context screenshots of the show – we’ll match a scene from the show with each team in the league. The idea is to imagine that this “Succession” scene could just as easily be played out in the front office of each team.
The twist? Sean doesn’t watch “Succession,” so for him, all of these screenshots are really going to be out of context and we’re going to see how well he can put them into a hockey context.
Finally — we recognize Athleticism, our lovely home, is a family website and “Succession” is… absolutely not. But fear not, all the saltiest language has been censored.
Last week: 1
Series won with Carolina 4-0
Ranking Sean: 1
Dom Rank: 1
Prime
Bonus, part two
Sean: I just opened our planning document. He really did, huh? We drive here. ALL RIGHT. That senior executive is Brian Cox talking to a Culkin, I guess. Maybe the guy from the New Yorker profile. One of his sons. I’ve absorbed enough of this show through cultural osmosis to make near believable guesses. But yeah, I’m guessing that’s Keith Tkachuk talking to Matthew. Number 2 is Cameron from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” taking the form of Paul Maurice. No. 3 is… the Panthers in general, I guess, after the presentation of the Prince of Wales trophy.
Dom: You see, we are already learning things. Somehow I had no idea it was Cameron from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”.
Most of the time, but it’s also us talking to Matthew because Matthew is also OUR Boy number one. There’s also this from Laz about the Panthers having fun.
Last week: 3
Led 3-1 against Dallas
Ranking Sean: 2
Dom Rank: 2
Sean: Is it the married couple who hate each other? I can’t imagine them caring much about the salary cap. Very Vegas.
Dom: It’s not the married couple who hate each other. To be honest, I don’t even remember who these people are. But yes. Wrong wording, right answer.
3. Dallas Stars
Last week: 2
Led 3-1 against Vegas
Ranking Sean: 3
Dom Rank: 3
Sean: Looks like Brian Cox and the New Yorker profile guy are trying to convince each other of something here, much like Jamie Benn did after magnets drove his stick through Mark Stone’s neck.
4. Carolina Hurricanes
Last week: 4
Lost series with Florida 4-0
Rank Sean: 4
Dom Rank: 4
Sean: Might as well be Rod Brind’Amour after the Hurricanes were swept away. Faith in the process, things of that nature.
Prime
Sean: Standard complaint about any Computer Boy acting on any given day.
Bonus, part two
Sean: It looks like Homework: The Power Rankings Post.
Dom: Don’t lie, you love it.
Last week: 5
Lost series with Vegas 4-2
Ranking Sean: 5
Dom Rank: 5
Sean: My man is watching the Oilers’ five-on-five results this season.
Prime
Sean: I don’t know. Assuming it’s a stock market plunge after this old boy’s death.
Dom: Spoiler alert. Also a metaphor for a potential dip if Connor McDavid ever leaves Edmonton.
Last week: 6
Lost series with Dallas 4-3
Ranking Sean: 6
Dom Rank: 7
Sean: The Kraken are that guy!
Last week: 7
Lost series with Florida 4-1
Ranking Sean: 7
Dom Rank: 6
Immediate continuation of the playoffs
A week later
Prime
Bonus, part two
Sean: Pass.
Dom: Boo.
Last week: 8
Lost series with Carolina 4-1
Rank Sean: 8
Dom Rank: 8
Sean: Her name is Shiv, I know that. She feels good about herself, like I guess the Devils do.
Last week: 9
Lost series with Florida 4-3
Ranking Sean: 9
Dom Rank: 8
Sean: Brian Cox has become Patrice Bergeron now, I see.
Dom: Pavel Zacha and Charlie Coyle are the Roy children of frontline center options.
Prime
10. Colorado Avalanche
Last week: 10
Lost series with Seattle 4-3
Rank Sean: 8
Dom Rank: 9
Sean: Is this lady really a mess? Because Avs are not… not a mess.
Dom: She might be the least messy on a show full of messy people, so it’s still the Avs.
Last week: 11
Toronto lost the series 4-2
Rank Sean: 11
Dom Rank: 11
Sean: Brian Cox has now taken the form of the Tampa Bay Lightning. That guy at the top? Leafs fans patronizing after the first round.
Last week: 12
Lost series with New Jersey 4-3
Rank Sean: 13
Dom Rank: 12
Sean: I don’t know, man. The guy from New York wears a hat now.
Dom: I’m not going to lie, I was a bit out of options for Rangers. Fans just seem a little… melodramatic after the first-round exit.
Last week: 13
Lost series with Edmonton 4-2
Ranking Sean: 12
Dom Rank: 13
Sean: Dom is one of our biggest enemies in Kings, so I’m guessing Shiv is him here.
Dom: Once again, I would like to formally apologize to the Los Angeles Kings community and the Vladislav Gavrikov family specifically for a year of slander.
Last week: 14
Lost series with Dallas 4-2
Rank Sean: 14
Dom Rank: 14
Sean: Kudos to the Wild’s center depth chart for making an appearance in the series.
Prime
Sean: For a while in late April, yes.
15. New York Islanders
Last week: 15
Lost series with Carolina 4-2
Rank Sean: 15
Dom Rank: 15
Sean: Wealthy people looking at the Islanders’ CapFriendly page.
Last week: 16
Lost series with Vegas 4-1
Rank Sean: 16
Dom Rank: 16
Sean: Brian Cox as Rick Bowness. This one really suits him, though I doubt he likes anyone in the Jets room as much.
Dom: Exactly.
Last week: 17
File: 42-33-7
Rank Sean: 17
Dom Rank: 17
Sean: Did this precipitate real positive change for Shiv? Because the Sabers are close.
Dom: Tune into HBO – uh Max??? — this Sunday to find out!
18. Ottawa Senators
Last week: 18
File: 39-35-8
Rank Sean: 18
Dom Rank: 18
Sean: What is the greatest request that would accelerate the Plan of the Senses, I wonder. Are Shiv and her hated husband talking about Connor Hellebuyck?
Last week: 19
File: 38-27-17
Ranking Sean: 19
Dom Rank: 19
Sean: Good luck to Craig Conroy, who should have created one by now.
20. Pittsburgh Penguins
Last week: 20
Registration: 40-31-11
Rank Sean: 20
Dom Rank: 20
Sean: I banged on the walls at the Penguins practice facility, and it was a real selling point for Kyle Dubas.
Last week: 21
File: 38-37-7
Ranking Sean: 21
Dom Rank: 21
Dom: Sorry, I couldn’t choose just one here.
Sean: The third suits me the best.
Last week: 22
Registration: 35-37-10
Ranking Sean: 22
Dom Rank: 22
Sean: Frankly not sure. Too low on gas to figure it out. Is this a draw joke?
Dom: It’s about signing Andrew Copp, Ben Chiarot and Ville Husso last summer for a combined price of $15.1 million.
Last week: 23
File: 37-38-7
Rank Sean: 23
Dom Rank: 23
Sean: Jimmy Cromwell, speaking about Robert Thomas and company.
Dom: Do not mix Thomas with the actual trash from this list!
Last week: 24
File: 42-32-8
Ranking Sean: 24
Dom Rank: 24
Prime
Sean: Brian Cox is Barry Trotz!
Last week: 25
File: 31-45-6
Rank Sean: 25
Dom Rank: 25
Sean: Pretty self-explanatory here, I think. The Canadians need to win at least a few games next season.
Last week: 26
File: 25-48-9
Ranking Sean: 27
Dom Rank: 26
Sean: Hmm – one of Patrik Laine’s costumes?
Dom: Or Patrik Laine in the defensive zone. Whether or. (Editor’s note: Yes, we know Laine has improved a lot defensively this season.)
Last week: 27
Registration: 35-37-10
Rank Sean: 26
Dom Rank: 29
Sean: Is this a reference to Tom Wilson? I kinda forgot about it.
Dom: Tom is half of the couple who hate each other, so nothing specific to Tom Wilson – just the team as a whole. But yes, it works for him too.
Last week: 28
Registration: 31-38-13
Rank Sean: 28
Dom Rank: 28
Sean: Maybe Danny Briere has been the Culkin this whole time! To the big boy chair, here we go!
Prime
Sean: Keith Jones, opening each of his 500 interviews over the past two weeks.
Last week: 29
Registration: 28-40-14
Rank Sean: 30
Dom Rank: 27
Sean: Good luck, as always, to hockey fans in the Valley.
Dom: Pack, what do we think of the new Twitter admin?
Last week: 30
Recording: 23-47-12
Ranking Sean: 29
Dom Rank: 30
Sean: The worst united in the league, in great shape.
Last week: 31
Registration: 22-44-16
Ranking Sean: 31
Dom Rank: 31
Sean: Doug Wilson filling his roster in 2017?
Dom: Bingo.
Last week: 32
File: 26-49-7
Ranking Sean: 32
Dom Rank: 32
Sean: This guy’s name is Connor, I think (not Cameron), and he’s supposed to be Connor Bedard. This one is good.
Prime
Sean: Yeah.
(Top photo: Josh Lavallee/NHLI via Getty Images)
